genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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