Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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