So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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