im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
