I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
