Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
