If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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