1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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