Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
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and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
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Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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