Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
