I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
