I bet he comes in French.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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