It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
