YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize