Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
