i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
