I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
