I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
