If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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