she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize