the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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