After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
