I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
