There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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