i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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