She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
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I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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