wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
