I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
