well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
