His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
