He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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