I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
