my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
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Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
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i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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