paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
