It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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