just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just high enough for therapy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
This is classic penis vs brain.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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