If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
