im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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