He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
