My hair reeks of homosexuality.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
