Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
