I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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