onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
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Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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