she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
