My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
