Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
