What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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