Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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