Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
