According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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