YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Who died my cat blue again?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
