I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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